I am writing this message from a cold, dark, and defeated place. My espionage skills, claims to power, and all-around illusiveness have deteriorated into a useless pile of meaningless muck. Since kittenhood, I’ve known I was destined for greatness. Everyone noticed and commented on my ability to command the room…or disappear without notice. Personally, I always knew these traits were keeping me in the company of the greatest of the great. I also knew that, if I honed my skills, I too would become part of the…


Oh yes, folks. THE Illuminati. While some consider this notorious group part of a ridiculous conspiracy, I know the truth. Presidents have often been members. Religious leaders have certainly been in the club. Gangsters? Yeah maybe them, too. And until yesterday, Maximus the Cat.

That was until I got chipped. Microchipped, if you will. Boss Man, as gullible as always, agreed to let the veterinarian dash my villainous dreams. I am now nothing but a walking, talking, and trackable house cat. No secret society will ever take me seriously again…and to think, I could’ve met Jay-Z and Tony Blair.

Conspicuously yours,