It’s been almost a year since me and my best friend were forcibly removed from our palm tree lined, constant sunshine, pool in the back yard home in Tampa, Florida and driven to this place they call Anderson, South Carolina. Upon our arrival, my best friend was catnapped by some lady. The last I heard he ran away and hooked up with a local neighborhood gang, The 507 Catsters. By the way, my name is Maximus, but you can call me Max.
Granted, I do have it cushy- a 5 bedroom home with 3 bathrooms and a bonus room. The only drawback is during the day I have to share with humans. They come in and take over all of the bedrooms calling my home Ultra Pet. The crazy thing is that they spend all day deciding what cats like, but not one of them is privileged to be called a cat. With that being said, I, Maximus, declare war and I will expose them for the frauds they truly are. How dare they have the nerve to commit such a heinous act against cats.
I will tell all of their secrets. I know about the one in the back bedroom. It looks like she is busy working but she is just typing instant messages to her boyfriend. The one in the middle bedroom; those aren’t work videos he’s watching. He is looking for proof there are UFO’s. Dude! The government has been covering it up for years, even I know that. The one in the side bedroom, well she is new and lets me take my afternoon nap in that comfortable chair so she gets a pass….for now. The one in the front bedroom, he gives me treats but the price I have to pay. I’m addicted I tell you-why else would I sit and listen to him tell the same stories over and over. Mark my word, if I have to listen to one more Buster tale-I am going to leave him a fur ball the size of Texas right in that fancy office chair he won’t let me sleep in.
Yes, I am going to have a blast spilling all their secrets. I will get the most joy exposing the thief who stole my bonus room. I had big plans for that room; a scratching post in the corner, maybe take a couple of those boxes and make me a climbing area but oh no they had to give my room away to a Chihuahua (Is that even a real dog?).
While I will admit he is cute, it annoys me greatly what he gets away with. The other day he pulls the old stick and move; running and hiding behind the desk in the back bedroom while I got in trouble. It’s the short one’s fault. He keeps giving me treats knowing they make me too fat to run. I believe there is some type of sinister plot in place (UFO’s, addictive treats, a wannabe dog and the unseen but forever spoken about Buster).
I heard them looking for the spare computer the other day….keep looking because I have it now and with one press of the enter button everyone is going down. They don’t know it but I’ve also hi-jacked the Twitter account. Yes I’m a cat and it’s all about me.
Wait, I hear them coming…….